It’s late on a Friday night. You’re straddling me and beginning to unzip my jeans. As I help you pull them off we can’t handle how long it takes so it leads back into a passionate exchange of tongues. I pull your pants down just enough to suffice for now. As I begin to give you the green light to do what we both know is going to happen while both half-clothed, you reach for something: a condom.
I fucking hate condoms. Isn’t this something we both can agree on? To me it feels like an awful glove mixed with the smell of a wet Band-Aid. There is nothing sexy about this. Although condom companies have done what they can with their research and development and advertising departments, there is little they can do to change my mind on the topic.
I get it. Sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy are things that most people want to do without – for now, at least. Where’s the turn-on in grabbing a rubber? Let me tell you guys, for girls, we get that you have to peel on the damn thing and you feel emasculated; it’s understandable. Do us a favor and realize we’re both in this annoyance of the elephant in the room together.
Personally, I don’t often use condoms until the finale. Here’s the lurking number always in the back of my head: 25 percent. One in four people on a college campus have an STD. The number that should freak you out more, though, is that 80 percent of people who have STDs have no noticeable symptoms. Fantastic! Not only are we all probably carrying an STD, but we also have no idea.
But what about the pill? Excellent question. My answer is, I can’t tell you how many girls I know who take their pill at the exact same time everyday. I sure as hell don’t. Which is why I usually have backups on hand. That brings up another question: who should supply them?
My feeling on the matter is that a guy should always be carrying one around – I do my part (sort of) with the pill. If a guy doesn’t bring a condom, you can run the risk of having one that’s either too small (problem) or too big (bigger problem). It’s like how I am supposed to know that you were hiding a giant fifth limb down there?
Overall, men and women should agree on the fact that we both don’t like the third party presence and get the fuck over it and get to fucking. The more our little brains focus on the tiny layer of latex between us the more it will become an issue. After all, most of sex is mental, anyway.