It’s Saturday morning. You forgot your parents are coming to town. You wake up to your mom calling, asking where you are. As you assure her that you are on your way to breakfast right now, you turn over and realize you are in someone else’s bed. You hang up, get dressed as fast as you can, steal the guy’s sweatshirt you just slept with, and don’t bother to look in the mirror before you leave. That was your first mistake.
As you approach the table where your parents are sitting, you notice they don’t look as excited to see you as you were expecting. They don’t say anything so you just assume they’re being weird. Your mom suddenly asks, “So any boys we should know about?” You take a second to consider the question. How does she know you just spent the night with someone? Is her intuition that good? Granted, you are wearing that dude’s hoodie but it’s pretty generic and shouldn’t be that obvious. You finally respond with a simple, “No, what makes you ask?” Answering the question with another question was mistake number two.
Your dad proceeds to flame your ass. “So if you’re not seeing anyone are you just letting random people suck on your neck?” You let out a little awkward laugh and excuse yourself to use the restroom. That’s when you see the damn near black spots spread across your neck. That dude really went for it. Now you know why they were looking at you so funny. It’s okay you can probably still recover from this, right?
You return to the table to see your parents have ordered mimosas. After you decline a drink because of how early it is, you notice your parents starting to get suspicious. Your dad is really pushing you to try it because he knows you’re hungover and wants you to suffer. Somehow you force the cheap champagne down and force a smile. When will this breakfast be over?
You all finally finish your food. Your mom asks if anyone has cash on them for the tip. You reach into the guy’s sweatshirt from last night and find a rolled up $10 bill. That’ll do. You hand it over before realizing there’s stuff all over it. Then it hits you: You just handed your mother someone’s coke bill. That’s your third mistake. Maybe she won’t notice.
Luckily, she didn’t notice. You breathe a sigh of relief as you get up to leave the restaurant because you know you’ve almost made it. Fourth mistake.You stood up too quickly. You cover your mouth, run past your parents and end up throwing up in front of the restaurant. Once you’ve finished you look up and are met with looks of disappointment. You can tell your parents are really proud of you.