We all make stupid, impulsive decisions when we’re drunk. For some people, that might simply mean drunk texting their ex or buying something online that they are going to have absolutely no use for. My stupid decision revolves around making a sugar baby account. If you are unsure of what that entails, allow me to explain: A sugar baby account is essentially an account on a website where you sign up to talk or meet with older men or women (you can also sign up as a sugar daddy/mommy) in exchange for an “allowance.” An allowance can consist of money, clothes, trips, jewelry, etc. Basically whatever you want in exchange for your company.

Let me first start off by clarifying that I don’t have daddy issues and I have zero intentions of using said account, however, I did browse the website to see what it was all about. In all honesty, I’m extremely underwhelmed with the pool of sugar daddies in Eugene. I don’t know what I was expecting because Eugene is not exactly filled with the silver fox type, but rather barefoot hippies with beads in their hair. After skimming through profiles, I noticed I had been raking in favorites and had an inbox full of eager fifty-year-old men. How exciting.

The messages I received sort of just reminded me of a creepier, older version of tinder. The messages ranged from “Hey how are you” to “I’d love to be your mentor and teach you some things ;).” But my favorite message was: “Yes I’m married. No you’re not a homewrecker. My home is already wrecked.” Glad to see you’re willing to admit it!

I was pleasantly surprised to see that in my drunken state I did not use my real name or any of my real information. But things did take a turn for the worse when I noticed a message saying how much someone liked my profile.

I say a lot of weird shit when I’m sober so I could only imagine what I possibly put down when I was nearly blacked out. It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t quite what I was expecting.

“Just looking for someone to hit me in the face.” After reading that I had to do some self reflecting and consider if I have some deep-seated emotional issues. What was I really looking for here? What prompted me to put that of all things? I mean yeah I like a little pain, but asking to be hit in the face? Bold. I don’t know who that person is.

Making this sugar baby account made me realize a few things. First and foremost it made me realize that I should maybe take a break from drinking (I definitely won’t). But it also made me realize I shouldn’t joke about getting a sugar daddy, because old men scare me and I could never actually meet any of these people in real life. Let’s all stay in school.