So, you’re single and Valentine’s Day is in two days. Don’t act like you forgot.
Don’t act like you aren’t just a little excited for the ultimate excuse to complain about your friends’ relationships, consume a whole box of chocolates, have a bottle of wine to yourself and binge on corny rom-coms, all while stalking your ex’s Facebook or otherwise wallowing in a gloriously pathetic pile of self pity in the supportive company of the only one who gets you: your cat. Don’t act like you haven’t been looking forward to it for weeks. This is your night.
Or maybe you’ll take a different approach. Maybe you decide you aren’t going to be alone for the fourth year in a row because you’re hot shit and the ten Tinder matches you’ve gotten this week prove it. Maybe you’ll actually reply to their messages. Hell, maybe you’ll even shave! I mean you’re only young once, right?
Yeah, yeah, Valentine’s Day sucks; it was invented by greedy, evil greeting card companies to exploit your emotions, blah, blah, blah — don’t be that guy. You’re single. So what? Most of us are, and that’s just fine.
So to all the single ladies and fellas out there, this one’s for you. Happy Valentine’s Day. You do you.
Gourmet, not-at-all pathetic recipes for one this Valentine’s Day
There’s going to be a lot of social pressure to do something special this Saturday. Don’t worry about it. Below are some of our favorite recipes for one that are sure to make you feel no less alone than usual. You’re eating for one, now.
Double Down Nachos
Culinary expertise from Alexandra Wallachy
Go to 7/11
Get the nachos, but save the packaged tortilla chips for later.
Fill the entire nacho tray with liquid cheese, roughly eight ounces.
Buy a package of nacho cheese-flavored Bugles.
Start to walk home, immediately open Bugles and dip into the cheese for a double cheese sensation.
Get distracted, drop the whole thing in front of Sigma Alpha Epsilon.
Leave it and your dignity behind.
Wipe excess nacho cheese on pants.
Peanut Butter-Brown Sugar Sandwich
Culinary expertise from Emerson Malone
Spread peanut butter on both slices of bread.
Spoon brown sugar onto one piece of bread.
Combine slices of bread together. You are an animal who has not matured since the sixth grade.
Beef and Ramen Noodles
Crack ramen and place into boiling water. You know what you’re doing.
A popular Japanese noodle dish includes slices of flank steak in ramen. You can easily substitute with a slice of honey ham from the Safeway deli. It’s virtually the same thing.
Dorm Food Fiend
From the cuisine stylings of Emerald food writer Katie Wideman
Fight back the urge to text that kind-of-cute freshman boy who only texts you when he’s wasted on the weekends and its past 1 a.m.
Give into the urge, and start simultaneously typing and deleting draft text messages, finally settling on “you owe me some common grounds, u down?” Hit send, and convince yourself you’re only in it for the cheesy griller with bacon.
While waiting for his response, check Instagram and see a picture of your future cheesy griller date, with a girl who isn’t you. Instantly start regretting sending the text.
Decide to eat stale old chips you’ve had for months because nothing really matters anymore.
Even your freshman booty call has Valentine’s plans.
10 dolla bottle make you holla
It’s Saturday, and it’s Valentine ’s Day, all the parties for tonight are “couples” themed, which means you’re not going.
In the same sad twist of fate, your roommate is also single — looks like you have pity plans now.
Scrap up change between the two of you, decide on getting cheap wine, pizza and watching a movie.
Realize you both only have 10 dollars combined, and can’t buy both wine and pizza.
Weigh the pros and cons and realize the wine is really more important for this occasion.
After a few glasses, the feels come on, and every past relationship that went wrong comes into question — then you realize it’s because your decision making skills are lacking, and come to the conclusion that you just should have gotten pizza.
40 ounces of forever alone
Original recipe by malt liquor connoisseur Andrea Harvey
Go to the nearest convenience store. Buy a 40-ounce bottle of cheap malt liquor because nothing matters anymore. Any brand will do.
Start drinking immediately after you close the front door, straight from the bottle because it’s that kind of night.
Send a Snapchat of you and your 40, still in its sketchy brown paper bag, to everyone you know — even your ex. Quickly take five huge swigs because you know that was a mistake. Stare at the screen until you see that your ex has opened the Snapchat. Wait for a response that will never come. Obsessively wonder what he or she is up to tonight and proceed to stalk every social media account he or she has, while polishing off the rest of the bottle.
Thoroughly inebriated, send him or her an impulsive text, even though you haven’t talked for a year: “Hey…..”
Wait for a response that will never come. Panic. Wonder what you’re doing with your life. Quickly fix the situation by texting him or her saying, “LOL sorry wrong person!”
Go on Tinder until you pass out.