By Haley Jacobs

Dear Potential College Male Hookups (/Mistakes),

We, your female college peers, are very understanding. We know that you are only recently out of high school and your teenage years. We know (and hope) that sex is a relatively recent pastime. We know that most of your sexual encounters probably happened after you shot-gunned your eighth beer and chugged from the communal bottle of Captain Morgan’s your roommates split to pour out free shots to your prospective female hookups.

Bottom line: We know you’re inexperienced.

And that’s just fine. We’re not looking for the male sex maniac who will give us the best orgasm of our lives along with a flaming case of gonorrhea. Furthermore, we females are likely just as inexperienced as you are. But here’s the difference between our night and yours, regardless of experience level: You cum, and we don’t.

Whether it’s due to a lack of consideration, experience or general selfishness, it’s time you boys learned about the keys to a women’s heartorgasm.

We sympathize for you. We really do. Women have it easy. The penis is pretty self-explanatory. Sure, there are some tricks and secrets that take time and practice to discover, but for the most part, after our first sighting of a penis, we have it about 95% figured out.

The female anatomy, however, is much more complex. Our interior structure provides little visibility. We (arguably) require more focus, more stimulation, more duration than what our male counterpart seems to need. So we will acknowledge that you have it tougher than we do. But we also have to birth your children, so everything comes with a trade off.

Therefore, you are not excused from foregoing your orgasmic obligations to your sexual counterpart (i.e. drunken one night stands and fuck buddies).

We are here to help you. Please continue reading.

I’m just going to go ahead and establish this right off the bat:

You Are Not As Good As You Think You Are.

Side note: I’m not trying to instill permanent sexual doubt into your delicate psyche. I’m sure you’re wonderful in bed. I’m sure your simple touch sends girls into a blissful, orgasmic euphoria. I’m sure this article in no way pertains to you.

It pertains to you.

So let’s start with the obvious: Foreplay. It should last longer than the amount of time it takes to undress each other. Just because the clothes are off doesn’t mean the penis is in. Slow. The. Fuck. Down. We should be having an orgasm (or two, or three) before the sex even begins. That is an unwritten rule to pre-sex pleasure-dom. It is now a written rule.

Secondly, pay attention to the tits. They’re there for a reason, and not just for your arousal. Give them a squeeze, a suck, a rub, a kiss, a stroke… whatever. Just don’t ignore them. They get cold.

Next, restrain your tongue from emerging down our throats. Your tongue is not your penis, so please stop forcing us to deep throat it. It’s bad enough when you do that with your dick.

Also, don’t make the mistake of assuming that all girls are looking for a relationship out of this night together and that creating intimacy during sex will make it more awkward for you the next morning. We’re not always looking for romance. We can have emotionless sex and one night stands too. (What?!) But that does not mean we want passionless sex. Cradle our faces, pull our hair, kiss our necks, bite our lips, whisper to us, look us in the eyes, lace our fingers, trace our spines. I’m getting turned on. I will stop.

Most importantly, here’s a statistic I wish all guys knew: 80% of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation.* In other words: forget about how big and amazing your dick is, how deep you can get it inside of us or your ability to twist yourself into innovative positions. (I take that last sentence back. Those are all actually really important.) But my point is… that none of the other stuff really matters unless you start giving our… clitorises… some attention. A lot of attention.

*I take no responsibility for the credibility of this statistic.

We understand the female anatomy is complex and mysterious. It’s dark. It’s cavernous. It’s scary. We sympathize. Whatever.

Our needs are not being satisfied.

Sincerely,

Your Prospective Female Hookups