If you’re an emotionless piece of shit like me, you know how awesome it is having a friend with benefits. You get to have consistent sex with someone without having to deal with them getting all mushy about their feelings. But removing the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect of it all can leave some questions on proper FWB etiquette. Here are a few things I find myself wondering about my current FWB situation.

Do we spend the night together after sex?

It’s like three in the morning and I’m not trying to walk back in below freezing temperatures, but I also don’t want you thinking I’m trying to stay the night so I can spend more time with you. If anything, I’m barely going to get any sleep while waiting for the sun to come up so I can sneak out.

Okay we spent the night together. Do we cuddle?

Normally once we’ve finished having sex I would dip out, but like I said, it’s three in the morning. So do we cuddle now? Is that too couple-like? I would turn away from you and go to my respective side of the bed but you only sleep with a thin blanket and I’m freezing my ass off being half-naked and what not.

It’s finally morning and I can leave. Do we kiss goodbye?

I’ve already gotten out of bed and started getting dressed without saying anything. My intentions on leaving without waking you up are pretty obvious, but you still turn over and try to make conversation. We go into the living room and are greeted by your roommates. I’m sure as hell not showing any affection towards you in front of other people, but I don’t want to be rude by leaving abruptly. That’s when I notice it’s snowing outside and I’m more or less dressed like a hooker from the night before. This leads me to my next question…

Can I have some clothes to walk home in?

I’m not trying to  “claim you”  by wearing your clothes, I just don’t want hypothermia. The walk of shame back to my sorority house filled with fifty other girls is already hard enough and the least you can do is give me a hood to cover my face as I try to run up the stairs unnoticed.

Is it rude if I don’t respond to your messages?

We don’t have much to talk about anyways. If we did have something to talk about we’d probably actually be dating, right? I’m sorry I don’t have a response to that super interesting Snapchat of you playing Fortnite. Sort of like how you don’t give a fuck about the Snapchat I sent you of me and my friends. Let’s just keep our conversations limited to the “you up?” texts.