By Sophia June

First of all, if you made it to the morning it means you didn’t walk home in the bitter Eugene cold wearing only a slutty dress! Congrats! Sleeping in a stranger’s bed (though I hesitate to even call them a stranger…seems like you now know them pretty well) isn’t exactly the most glorious thing in the world. But, chances are, you were probably too drunk to even care.  Now it’s the morning.  You’re 90-100% sober.  Your breath smells anything but sexy. You’re thirsty as hell.  And you’re kind of ready to leave.  Here are a couple of ways to do it:

  1. Look at the clock; say something along the lines of “Crap! My mom’s taking me out to breakfast!” or “Shit, gotta go let my roommate in… she forgot her key.” The crucial part is to say this as you fumble around for your clothes, like you’re in a hurry and not like you’re about to walk home and pass out in your own bed. And shower. The most likely unconscious blob next to you will say something like “Uh, okay, bye.”  This is a good option if you want to avoid the whole morning hookup, or if you’re really hungry.  (Side note: one of the best parts of shacking is that you don’t go feast on Dough Co.  It’s almost like a diet.)
  2. However, you may want to embrace the morning hookup. If you stillfind him or her attractive in the sober light of dawn and you don’t mind the morning breath mixed with beer taste, then go for it.  I don’t know many people who don’t want a blowjob at 7:00 in the morning.  And because spending the night in a “stranger’s” bed isn’t the greatest night’s sleep; you wake up weirdly early and don’t know whether to try to go back to sleep or leave or what.  The morning hookup works well for situations like this because it kills some time and is more fun than trying to sleep… or god forbid, talking.
  3. If you want to talk, do that and then leave. Just know that if you end up leaving after 9:00 AM as a result of this conversation, you will most likely be glared at by gardening Eugene mothers and yelled at by those driving by.
  4. Leave. Find your clothes. Grab your shit. Exit the room.  Stare at the half naked corpse and triple check to see if your drunk goggles were lying to you about how cute they were.  Give the roommate a friendly wave. Beware that if you’re a freshman, you’ll probably see this person in two hours at Hamilton…but for now, you’re free.
  5. “I’m gonna go.” Short, sweet, to the point. Maybe a last kiss, maybe not.

The key thing to remember when deciding how/when the appropriate time to leave someone’s bed is that the other person most likely is just as ready for you to leave as you are to leave.  He or she may offer to walk you back or at least to the door; you should probably just deny it. Anything you say to get out of that bed is good, but don’t forget the classic side hug. It’s 10:30am on hopefully a Friday/Saturday/Sunday; people have shit to do. Even if that shit is just taking a shower and eating some Cheerios.